Romance writing is an art… and sometimes a fever dream. From tortured metaphors and anatomical impossibilities to comparisons that make you question reality, these lines made us laugh, cry, and whisper “who approved this?” Whether they're real or dangerously close to it, they remind us that even the steamiest scenes can go gloriously off the rails.
1. "He Spread Her Like Warm Butter on Toast"
Delicious… but now I’m picturing margarine on thighs and wishing I had pancakes.
2. "Her Moans Echoed Like Whale Songs in the Mariana Trench"
Deep. Resonant. Aquatic? Are we writing romance or a Star Trek movie?
3. "His Man Root Pulsed With Ancient Knowledge"
What is this, Indiana Bones and the Temple of the Cursed Garden of Gloom? Nobody needs a penis that doubles as a divining rod for an ancient prophecy—unless it’s horror or humor.
4. "Their Love Was a Car Crash in Slow Motion"
Nothing says romance like airbags, twisted metal, and trauma.
5. "She Blossomed Like a Daylily at Dawn"
Pretty—until you remember daylilies die by nightfall.
6. "He Panted Like an Asthmatic Werewolf"
Sexy... in a medical emergency kind of way. Nurse! Nurse!
7. "Her Inner Walls Clenched Like a Squirrel Holding a Walnut"
Powerful grip. Also, I might be hallucinating squirrels that heave deathgrips on nuts. Somebody get the quinine!
8. "He Thrust With the Power of a Thousand Suns"
Immediate disintegration. RIP pelvis.
9. "Her Body Shivered Like an Overcaffeinated Chihuahua"
There are shivers, and then there’s rabid tremors.
10. "He Caressed Her Like a Roomba on a Mission"
Predictable, relentless, occasionally gets stuck under the bed—and some cats like to ride them.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the thousand-sun pelvic thrust? Writing romance means walking a tightrope between heartfelt and hilarious. If you’ve stumbled across a line that made you snort your coffee or question the laws of physics, leave a comment in Twitter, Facebook or Blusky—we’ll be here, riding our emotional Roomba into the sunset. We’re building the Museum of Romance Crimes—one overused metaphor at a time.