In this digital age, it can be difficult to determine what to do with all those buy my shit emails from email lists you didn’t sign up for and companies you’ve never heard of. Conventional wisdom says to just send them to your Spam email folder and forget about them, but sometimes that isn’t enough to provide the deep satisfaction we all need when dealing with irrelevant and unwanted communications. In these instances, consider composting them.

1. Print Out Your Unwanted Emails

The first step to composting your unwanted emails is to print them out. I recommend the draft setting. There’s no reason to waste more ink than you need. After all, we’re not going to read them, we’re going to let these letters give us beautiful flowers and delicious vegetables. To ensure your compost is as organic as possible, I’m hoping you have all-natural paper in your printer and organically manufactured vegetable-based ink.

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2. Tear the Emails into Bits

Once you’ve printed out all those buy my shit emails, tear them into bits. They can be as small or large as you like. Just make sure all the corners are really jagged. It helps with the composting process. This step is also very mentally and spiritually satisfying to watch these perfectly crafted, well-researched, SEO friendly emails being destroyed rip by beautiful rip. You can also envision the decrease in the various companies’ bank accounts as they paid for all those email lists so that they could send spam to unwitting individuals and other businesses.

3. Take the Bits Out to Your Composting Pile

Next, walk out to your composting pile filled with animal shit, food bits, scraps of meat, vegetable rinds, yard trimming and other organic waste. Dump the email bits onto the top of the composting pile. Make sure to get them all over that stinky shit pile until every bit of paper is covered in nasty goo and unmentionable grossness.

4. Stir Your Compost Pile

To ensure even decay and to stop methane gas from building up within the pile and potentially causing an explosion, stir your pile with a large pitchfork or heavy-duty iron rake. Make sure to get your pile thoroughly mixed so that it evenly decays and turns into beautiful, rich organic fertilizer.

5. Add the Compost to Your Flower Beds and Vegetable Gardens

Once the compost is ready, spread it evenly over your flower beds, around your bushes and trees and even in your herb and vegetable gardens. As the compost sits atop your soil, it will feed your plants, helping them become strong, beautiful and even delicious. 

By following these ingenious tips, you can turn those unwanted business emails into beautiful plants, flowers, vegetables and herbs. They don’t have to waste away in your spam box. You can turn them into something productive that you’ll enjoy every day!


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