Some people have skeletons in their closet.
I have lettuce in my crisper drawer.
And not just any lettuce — oh no.
This was lettuce so aged it probably had a driver’s license and a LinkedIn profile at one point, and you know it was feeding LinkedIn posts like:
“What to do with 4-day-old lettuce when you have to work a double…”
It was, by all measurable scientific standards, no longer lettuce.
It had transcended. It was… Lettuce Prime.
It started innocently enough…
Once upon a Wednesday, I bought fresh, crisp romaine. I had visions:
- Salads bursting with color
- Wraps that would make Pinterest weep
- That one “eat healthy” dinner I swore I’d cook
But life happened. Pizza coupons happened.
Netflix happened. And the lettuce?
It retreated to the crisper drawer to live out its quiet, leafy days.
Fast forward two years
One day, while hunting for corn I bought three days ago (and still haven’t cooked), I found it.
The bag was no longer transparent. The lettuce had… evolved.
If I had opened it, I’m pretty sure it would’ve hissed or tried to jump out of the fridge and chase me around the house like some sort of possessed vegetable.
The moral of the story?
Fridges are like time capsules. Except instead of artifacts, you find forgotten remnants of a lost dinner.
And if your fridge could talk, it would say:
“EAT THE FRESH CORN YOU GOT WEDNESDAY. PUT THAT PIZZA DOWN.”
So… what’s the oldest thing you’ve found in your fridge?
Tell me in the social media comments!